Anxiety....and All it's Glory...

Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooo paaaaaaaalllllllsssss!!!!!

By my last post or even maybe by my lack of posts this week you could maybe tell I haven't been in the most chipper mood.... It has been an especially hard week, even aside from the fact I was bed-ridden ill.

I do feel I need to explain myself, partly because I don't believe I have anything in life to be sad about. I AM LUCKY AND FORTUNATE PERSON!!!! Also because it helps me as well, by allowing me to write my feelings in a concise manner, making them make a bit more sense!

For anyone who maybe never read my first ever post.. to put it short, I suffer with an anxiety disorder.

However, in my first post I never really went into detail about what it is, what it's like, how mine specifically impacts me, etc.

So here goes..

I had always had the normal, healthy anxiety level that came with simply living in modern society, however, I began feeling an unhealthy level of anxious all the time in 10th grade (when I was 15.)

In the beginning I simply attributed my feelings towards the fact I was in my sophomore year, school was getting harder, and I was just growing up. I knew things were bound to get harder and I always thought what I was feeling was completely normal.

Until I noticed it wasn't.

I began to notice none of my friend's ever worried about our up coming tests or assignments to quite the extent I did, or not any of my peers on my competitive dance team wanted to cry of nervousness before performing their solo routines in front of the judges.

By senior year, I began losing sleep over worrying so often. I would worry myself into near all-nighters and panic attacks in the school bathroom before math tests.

Eventually this moved onto worries about my health (something I still majorly struggle with) where I always feared I was sick from something and constantly begged my mom to let me visit the doctor.

The people around me eventually began to get fed up, however, this came with reason. It helped me to talk about my worries to others, and them reassuring me I was worrying too much.

Unfortunately, realizing my friends and family were getting fed up with me, it made me want to bottle it up inside, making this issue even worse. Around this time I really began to question if what I was feeling was normal. I did have a few friends who suffered with the same issues I did who really helped me figure out what I was dealing with. At this point it was under control and manageable with a few coping techniques.

This year, my freshman year at uni, was the hardest test of my mental state that I've ever gone through (HARDER THAN ANY MIDTERMS OR FINALS I WROTE LET. ME. TELL. YOU.)

Things felt so out of control sometimes. Not just school but the idea of making friends, doing homework, not having enough time for my friends back home, the constant worries that my health was in jeopardy, on top of all that SCHOOL were far too much for me.

I began not sleeping again but even worse, panic attacks took over (which can lead to chest pain which made me worry more about my health), I began getting many headaches, I cried a lot, mostly slept between classes, visited the clinic frequently with my newest health concern, I had panic attacks in the middle of a midterm and my dreams were even being impacted. Not getting enough sleep led to more anxious feelings. I even became anxious about not getting enough sleep.

A friend I made that year expressed her concerns about me and suggested I pay a visit to the school counsellor. After months of stubbornness and denying, a night time panic attack, that led to a desparate 3am call to my mother finally made things click. I made an appointment with the schools counsellor.

I only attended one appointment because soon after my anxiety subsided for awhile, not seeming as bad and aside from a few panic attacks, was under control. When exams hit, however, things became very bad again.

This summer I am going to start seeing someone again, I cannot live my second year at uni suffering in silence anymore. I am learning to come to terms with the fact my mind fights against me sometimes. I want to learn to live with it and to do that I need to stop being so stubborn and seek out some help.

All anxiety is different. Mine specifically manifests itself through my constant worries about my health. I also become anxious when I feel to isolated and but also when I am too crowded. I become anxious when I fell forced or I feel like I will be a failure. I feel anxious over being judged. Sometimes I can even get anxious without any definite reason.

The point is, anxiety can make living very hard for anyone dealing with it. There is bad periods and good periods. This week was specifically bad. This morning I didn't even want to get out of bed because I didn't think I could handle it.

But what matters is that I did. I dragged my butt out of bed, made myself a healthy breakfast, visited my grandma for tea, adventured around my town with my best friend and had a nice dinner with my step dad. Overall I can say I had a great day, not to mention I am feeling much less anxious than I was this morning. Tomorrow can be a great day too :).

Today I could muster the strength to beat what was holding me back and that is what motivates me to keep on living my life, regardless of my mental health disorder.

My biggest advice to anyone suffering with anxiety is to remove yourself from the anxious situation. Whether it means just getting out of the house for the day, or going outside for fresh air in a crowded party, or going for a night drive on a country road. Give yourself and your mind the capability to regain itself or it will go into complete meltdown mode.

 People exercise to maintain a healthy body, well steps need to be taken in order I maintain a healthy mind as well.

If you know someone dealing with anxiety there is not much you can do when they're feeling panicked. For me, being reassured I am not being a bother to the individual experiencing it and that the feelings will pass over helps. Other than that it is often something I have to deal with and get over all on my own. I have my own coping mechanisms I have gathered and I will be okay. I just need time.

Zoe Sugg, someone I admire very much, explains anxiety as being like car alarms. People with anxiety have much more sensitive alarms and will go off with something like a large gust of wind or a leaf. Once that alarm can be put to rest a person can feel at ease again, they may just need some time to stay in panic mode.

For anyone who has had the chance to read this, I hope it has helped. Whether you're a person dealing with anxiety and reading this has been reassuring, or you've been watching from the sidelines and would like to understand how someone you love is feeling. I hope this adds some clarity to the mystery of anxiety (frankly I don't even fully understand it.)

If you have any questions, personal stories or any tips you're comfortable to share regarding dealing with anxiety, I would love to hear them in the comments :).

I am able to live with my anxiety, despite how much of a pain in the ass it is, and to anyone who is too, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

TILL NEXT TIME PALS!! KEEP STAYING STRONG!!! :D

Jade