Life Update & Getting Back on Track

Well HELLO! Long time no see!

How are you? You look taller? Did you change your hair? Hope the family is doing well!!!!

Seriously HOW long has it been? Over a year? Jeez talk about neglect!

You have no idea how happy it makes me to be sitting down and writing again. WOW this feels great.

I want to say I’m sorry for neglecting this blog and not keeping up with my posts but I don’t think it would be productive for me to dwell in the past. Instead I want to forgive myself and move on. This last year has been difficult and I have learned more in the last year than I have in my entire life. Now I feel like I have come to a point where I can wrap my head around all this information and regurgitate it to those out there who have felt lost, confused, a little sad and a whole lot of ‘is my life going the way I really want it to go right now?’

To make this short (hopefully), this last year I have been in a rut. And yes i mean what I said. A YEAR LONG GODDAMN RUT. Although that seems excessive and maybe a little melodramatic, does the length of a rut matter as long as you pull yourself out of it EVENTUALLY? Thats what I thought. 

Over the last year I have been facing some family drama, like most families of divorce, that I need not get into but overall never really directly involved me. However, that entire time I projected these emotionally driven situations and the responsibilities for these situations onto myself which in hindsight seems absolutely nuts. I know that now. 

With this situation lingering over my life, starting a new job, trying to establish myself professionally, maintain my good grades and relationships, you know, things that make me feel happy, purposeful and loved turned into tedious chores of everyday living. I mean, how could I feel happy when there was constant anxiety over what was going on back at home?

This mindset ended merely yesterday when I finally decided, excuse my french, that the shit others deal with is not my shit, nor will it ever be my responsibility to take care of their shit. This past year I have been focused on maintaining normality in a situation that was far from normal. I bit my tongue in spite of protest because I wanted to keep the peace, I participated in events and gatherings that were the last thing I wanted to do, faked love and happiness towards people who deliberately hurt me and acted as a messenger to deliver scathing remarks between two feuding parties. Why would I do all this? Because I wanted to do what was expected of me and I wanted everyone to be okay in situations that were clearly hard on them. But I never took a second to look at how I was deteriorating my self image and emotional clarity. When you spend so much time trying to please others and worrying about others you begin to doubt yourself, your beliefs and what you stand for. Even worse, I let my goals and ambitions slip into oblivion in the most pivotal time of my life (my early 20s). 

Yesterday I finally took a stand. I decided to make my position known and to stop hiding my feelings for the sake of others, and since then a major weight has been lifted that my happiness and motivation were being crushed by. Even though it took me a whole year. I want to take my life back and thats beginning today (well technically yesterday).

My mom had been practically begging me to read ‘You Are A Bad Ass’ by Jen Sincero, and in my angry pursuit to take my life back I finally caved and listened to the audio book while I drove around all day running errands. By the way this book is LIFE CHANGING. I will include a picture of it below so you can pick it up if you see it in your book store!!!! (Side Note: personally I find it easier to listen to the audio book so I can still do productive things like my makeup or cooking while I listen!)

Now here I am, back on my blog that I have avoided the last year at risk of spreading a false version of my usually happy self to the world. But I am back doing something I really enjoy for myself. Something that makes me outright GIDDY. I also spent last night applying for volunteer positions working with kids and farm animals which also makes me also EXCITED because what could be cuter than that? 

I haven't felt this much like myself in a LONG ASS TIME. But as Jen Sincero told me I need to forgive myself for the times I felt like I failed myself by allowing myself to be affected by other peoples problems. Lets get one thing straight; YOUR PROBLEMATIC FAMILY DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS DESERVING OF LOVE. So here I am, not dwelling on it but living in the present and looking out to the future excitedly. 

And if any of you are out there needing to talk through something that is holding you back from being who you are or stopping you from going you in the direction you want to be because of your energy being held elsewhere, please do not hesitate to message me. 

And for those of you who need this right now;

It is good to be back :)