Saying Goodbye to the Ghost of High School's Past
I guess you never really realize how no matter how much you can grow and change over time certain people, no matter if they're good or bad, can bring back old emotions you thought were long gone.
To briefly explain, I graduated high school just over a year ago and I felt as if my past year at university had been a year for a lot of growth and maturing for me. I felt good about this! I felt without the restraints of high school dragging me back (the feeling of constantly being judged by those you see at school every day) I could branch out and act as the person I really wanted to be.
Not that I didn't enjoy high school, high school was a fantastic time and I actually had a lot of fun, but theres this weird feel around it that makes everyone so careful of their actions, a feeling that goes away once you leave and begin your life.
I'd thought I'd let go of those feelings, I'm 18 years old, I'm an adult and I can do whatever I please, be whoever I please and feel good about it! That's how I had felt this entire year at uni!!
My family took a trip to the beach today, it was the first nice day we've had in weeks and we wanted to make the most of it! So we packed our stuff and headed out! After a beautiful drive up and finding a nice beach spot close to the water I felt the happiest and most relaxed than i have been in a long time!
However, ehen I was in the water I spotted a group of friends from my high school coming in, I all of a sudden felt like I looked ridiculous splashing around in the water like a 5 year old and insecure with my body. I immediately got out and went to read on my towel to avoid seeing that group again.
As I was walking out of the water I spotted yet ANOTHER group of friends I'd known from high school seated near us. All I could think about was that I looked completely bloated, my makeup was all smudged from the water and how I had picked my wedgie earlier and they probably saw me doing it. At this point i literally wrapped my towel around my entire body in a way that covered my head & put on sunglasses.
I was supposed to play water foot ball with my stepdad and I ended up telling him I couldn't just because I feared looking like an idiot infront of people I hadn't even seen in over a year!
I literally LEFT MY SPOT with my step dad and walked along the beach strip to get away from it all. All I could think was one thing I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!!!!!
I surprised myself! After all this time having that insecure, walking on egg shells feeling was like seeing someone you really used to dislike in public and hating the feeling you get in your gut when you see them. Except these people weren't mean or my enemies. They were people who I actually enjoyed talking to in my classes, and were nice so why was I feeling insecure just seeing they were in the same place as me, NOT EVEN TALKING TO ME!!!! This was ridiculous
Realizing this a complete weight was lifted off my chest. I don't know where these feelings came from or why they happened so abruptly all I knew was that I was dumb to let something like that ruined what had been a really great day so far.
I've changed so much from who I used to be and I was proud of who I've become, why do I need to let the fear of people I used to know judging me let it all come crashing down? I am NOT that insecure 16 year old girl anymore who just wanted to fit in with the crowd and survive high school. Truthfully there was nothing wrong with who I was and how I acted back then (despite me thinking there was) and there isn't now. I'm me and I like myself and who I am and the people who actually matter love me for it.
After this realization, I went back, lounged on my towel, laughed with my family, played in the water as if I were some sort of gleeful whale and ate a dripping ice cream cone. Were my old peers judging me for it? Probably not, and even if they were why would it matter?
We all have those ghosts that follow us. Whether it's high school or a bad break up or even a place that brings back old memories. These ghosts bring back emotions we thought we'd never have to experience again.
The important thing is to not let those ghosts ruin the progress you have made when they decide to make an appearance.
Sometimes it takes a little time, but after an entire year I can officially say I've put the ghost of high school's past to rest.
This was a huge victory for me today so I thought I would share :)
DON'T BE AFRAID TO LOOK YOUR GHOST IN THE EYE AND TELL THEM THEY DON'T SCARE YOU ANYMORE!! IT TAKES COURAGE BUT THE FEELING AFTERWARD IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!
Till next time!!!!
Jade
To briefly explain, I graduated high school just over a year ago and I felt as if my past year at university had been a year for a lot of growth and maturing for me. I felt good about this! I felt without the restraints of high school dragging me back (the feeling of constantly being judged by those you see at school every day) I could branch out and act as the person I really wanted to be.
Not that I didn't enjoy high school, high school was a fantastic time and I actually had a lot of fun, but theres this weird feel around it that makes everyone so careful of their actions, a feeling that goes away once you leave and begin your life.
I'd thought I'd let go of those feelings, I'm 18 years old, I'm an adult and I can do whatever I please, be whoever I please and feel good about it! That's how I had felt this entire year at uni!!
My family took a trip to the beach today, it was the first nice day we've had in weeks and we wanted to make the most of it! So we packed our stuff and headed out! After a beautiful drive up and finding a nice beach spot close to the water I felt the happiest and most relaxed than i have been in a long time!
However, ehen I was in the water I spotted a group of friends from my high school coming in, I all of a sudden felt like I looked ridiculous splashing around in the water like a 5 year old and insecure with my body. I immediately got out and went to read on my towel to avoid seeing that group again.
As I was walking out of the water I spotted yet ANOTHER group of friends I'd known from high school seated near us. All I could think about was that I looked completely bloated, my makeup was all smudged from the water and how I had picked my wedgie earlier and they probably saw me doing it. At this point i literally wrapped my towel around my entire body in a way that covered my head & put on sunglasses.
I was supposed to play water foot ball with my stepdad and I ended up telling him I couldn't just because I feared looking like an idiot infront of people I hadn't even seen in over a year!
I literally LEFT MY SPOT with my step dad and walked along the beach strip to get away from it all. All I could think was one thing I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!!!!!
I surprised myself! After all this time having that insecure, walking on egg shells feeling was like seeing someone you really used to dislike in public and hating the feeling you get in your gut when you see them. Except these people weren't mean or my enemies. They were people who I actually enjoyed talking to in my classes, and were nice so why was I feeling insecure just seeing they were in the same place as me, NOT EVEN TALKING TO ME!!!! This was ridiculous
Realizing this a complete weight was lifted off my chest. I don't know where these feelings came from or why they happened so abruptly all I knew was that I was dumb to let something like that ruined what had been a really great day so far.
I've changed so much from who I used to be and I was proud of who I've become, why do I need to let the fear of people I used to know judging me let it all come crashing down? I am NOT that insecure 16 year old girl anymore who just wanted to fit in with the crowd and survive high school. Truthfully there was nothing wrong with who I was and how I acted back then (despite me thinking there was) and there isn't now. I'm me and I like myself and who I am and the people who actually matter love me for it.
After this realization, I went back, lounged on my towel, laughed with my family, played in the water as if I were some sort of gleeful whale and ate a dripping ice cream cone. Were my old peers judging me for it? Probably not, and even if they were why would it matter?
We all have those ghosts that follow us. Whether it's high school or a bad break up or even a place that brings back old memories. These ghosts bring back emotions we thought we'd never have to experience again.
The important thing is to not let those ghosts ruin the progress you have made when they decide to make an appearance.
Sometimes it takes a little time, but after an entire year I can officially say I've put the ghost of high school's past to rest.
This was a huge victory for me today so I thought I would share :)
DON'T BE AFRAID TO LOOK YOUR GHOST IN THE EYE AND TELL THEM THEY DON'T SCARE YOU ANYMORE!! IT TAKES COURAGE BUT THE FEELING AFTERWARD IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!
Till next time!!!!
Jade
I loved this post! :) I feel the same way - seeing people I went to school with seems to throw me back to my somewhat insecure school self. It's a strange feeling haha xx
ReplyDeleteIts so weird eh? Its like you think youre all changed and grown and then you feel like a child again!! WEIRD!!!! To be honest im glad I'm away from high school!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! I'm glad im not alone in feeling this way!!!